


Nightmares

by Jojora



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, PTSD, Sex, Smut, mental health
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2018-11-30
Packaged: 2019-08-27 09:00:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16699450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jojora/pseuds/Jojora
Summary: To the rest of the world, Justin was getting better after the incident with Chris Hobbs. He was walking and talking and fucking like his old self. But behind closed doors, the façade would start to crack. There were things that only Brian was privy to that made it clear that Justin was not as “better” as he led people to believe. Like these nightmares.





	1. Chapter 1

A sudden jerk of the bed roused Brian from his sleep. He opened an eye and saw Justin sitting up in bed next to him. He didn’t move, though. After all, this was the second time this had woken him up tonight and the fifth time this week. Justin was having nightmares and Brian wasn’t about to call him out on it or let him know that Brian knew. So Brian closed his eye again and pretended to be asleep.

To the rest of the world, Justin was getting better after the incident with Chris Hobbs. He was walking and talking and fucking like his old self. But behind closed doors, the façade would start to crack. There were things that only Brian was privy to that made it clear that Justin was not as “better” as he led people to believe. Like these nightmares.

On a good night, Justin would wake up once or twice. On a bad night, he would leave the bedroom completely and Brian wasn’t sure if he slept at all. But if Justin had wanted Brian to know, Justin would have said something. So instead, every morning, they would both wake up and act like nothing was wrong. 

Except, after the bad nights, Justin was noticeably on edge the next day. Sometimes he would pick fights with Brian seemingly just for the sake of fighting. A couple weeks ago, they had had a 30 minute shouting match over the fact that Brian had moved Justin's art project, and Justin was convinced he had "ruined it" even though Brian couldn't see a single place where it had been harmed or altered. Other times, Justin would be quiet and withdrawn and forgetful. Often, Brian noticed Justin tensing up at loud noises or sudden movements. 

Brian heard a rustling and felt Justin get out of bed. He heard footsteps retreating to the living area. Once he knew Justin was out of sight, he let out a low sigh and rubbed his eyes. This week had been particularly bad, and this was the second night in a row where Justin actually left the bedroom. Brian knew from experience that he wouldn’t be coming back to bed until right before Brian was supposed to wake up. 

Brian felt useless. He couldn’t stop these nightmares from happening. All he could do was hope they would go away with time. He rolled over and drifted back to sleep.

Sure enough, he woke up the next morning to find Justin crawling back into bed, ready to pretend he’d been there all night. A few moments later, he felt Justin’s lips pressed against his neck in an attempt to “wake” him. Brian played along and gave Justin a sleepy smile as he leaned into his affections. 

“Mmm” Brian groaned and Justin tugged at his arm and curled up on his chest. Brian wrapped his arms around the boy, willing to give him the comfort he needed even though Justin wasn’t going to admit that was what was happening. 

“What time is it?” Brian muttered. 

Justin didn’t respond, so Brian opened his eyes and craned his neck to get a look at the clock. 7:33. 

Smiling, because it was a Saturday and they were free to laze around this morning, Brian leaned in to kiss Justin’s forehead, then his cheek, and then his neck. Justin gave a small content sigh, and Brian leaned in to capture his lips. His hands wandered down Justin’s back and gripped his ass. Justin was responding to his touch, until suddenly he was rolling away from Brian and out of bed. 

“Asshole,” Justin snapped as he retreated into the bathroom and closed the door. 

Brian dropped his head back against the pillow, having no idea what he could have possibly done wrong. So it was going to be one of those days. Great. Reluctantly, Brian rolled out of bed and headed to the kitchen to make coffee. 

When Justin came out from the bathroom, he grabbed a mug and poured himself a cup of coffee. 

“Sunshine is lacking sunshine this morning,” Brian remarked. He knew he shouldn’t. He was only asking for a fight. But he was getting fed up with these moods. 

Justin responded with a death glare. He put his mug down a little too forcefully, causing coffee to spill over onto the island, and walked away muttering something under his breath.

Brian closed his eyes and took a deep breath, willing himself not to engage. He wanted to de-escalate the situation, not escalate it. Busying himself with wiping up the spilled coffee, he remained silent for a few minutes, trying to gather his thoughts to figure out the best way to approach the day.

He decided he was not in a good enough place to play this game with Justin and they’d probably do best with some time apart. So he finished his coffee, got dressed, and headed for the door without saying a word. 

“Brian, wait,” Justin called out as he was about to leave. 

Brian paused and turned around.

“I’m sorry,” Justin said softly as he walked up to Brian and kissed him. “Have a good day.” 

Brian smiled, and then turned and left. 

Once he was in the elevator, he let out another sigh. It seemed he was doing that a lot these days. Almost like he was always holding his breath around Justin, and breathing whenever he had a moment to escape. It was clear something wasn’t working. Maybe ignoring the problem was not the best approach, but it’s what Brian would want Justin to do if the situation were reversed. It was a matter of pride for Justin, and Brian did not want to take that away from him.


	2. Chapter 2

Brian didn’t return to the apartment until late that night. Or early the next morning, depending on how you wanted to look at it. He had spent the day with Michael getting stoned, and the evening at Babylon getting out some of his pent-up frustration. He arrived home, drunk, and was relieved to find that Justin was asleep in bed. 

Quietly, he made his way into the room and undressed, before slipping underneath the covers. Justin didn’t stir. Brian quickly passed out. 

However, he woke up shortly after to a sharp, blinding pain. Gasping, he barely had enough time to comprehend his surroundings before a fist made contact with his face. Brian reacted quickly, wrapping his arms around Justin and pinning Justin’s arms down to his sides before Brian could be hit with a third blow. 

This was a new development. 

“Justin. Justin!” Brian said forcefully, his cheek pressed to Justin’s ear, as Justin writhed against his grip. “Wake up!” 

Justin startled awake, looking terrified. Brian quickly let go so as to not freak him out more.

“You were hitting me!” Brian muttered, massaging his jaw. 

Justin quickly replaced a look of confusion with a poker face and a forced laugh. “Sorry, rough sex dream,” he muttered. 

Brian knew he was lying, but didn’t say anything. He was pretty sure he was still drunk, so he just grumbled and rolled over, his back to Justin, to try and fall back asleep. Sleep wasn’t coming, though. His body was filled with adrenaline from being attacked. After lying there for about 15 minutes, he heard Justin get out of the bed again and leave the bedroom.

Normally, when Justin left, Brian would hear him pacing, or would smell him light up a cigarette. This time, though, he could swear it sounded like Justin was… crying? He could hear shallow breaths and occasional sniffles. 

Brian’s heart sank as he laid there listening, the world still spinning from the alcohol. It just confirmed what he already knew. Justin was not okay. 

He didn’t know how long he was awake listening, but when he woke up again, it was to something much more pleasant. Justin was kissing his way down Brian’s stomach, and playing with his cock.

Brian didn’t open his eyes, but he let out a moan and reached out to play with Justin’s hair as Justin started to blow him. “Fuck,” he sighed. He had to admit, one of the best parts of finally having a partner that shared his bed was waking up to mornings like this. 

Justin was doing some of his best work, and Brian was panting and moaning in response. Justin swallowed him as he came. Then Justin slid up and kissed him, before resting his head on Brian’s chest and tracing circles on his skin.

“Well that was amazing,” Brian chuckled. He could feel Justin’s lips curve into a smile against him.

“It’s the least I can do, after beating you up last night.” Justin muttered into his skin as he snuggled closer.

The fuzzy memory of last night came back to Brian. He had forgotten in the midst of his lovely awakening. Brian knew it could be an opening to an overdue conversation with Justin, but he didn’t want to go there. Not in the midst of his post-orgasmic bliss.

“Don’t worry about it,” Brian replied instead. ”You couldn’t beat me up if you wanted to, what, with that twink body of yours.” 

Justin laughed at that, and Brian was relieved to hear the sound. 

They laid there for a while, not saying anything. Brian had to pee though, and eventually he shifted to get out from under Justin’s body weight. His head throbbed as he sat up. He wondered if it was from a hangover or from being clocked. Possibly a little bit of both.

Justin grumbled as Brian left, but stayed where he was in the bed. Brian smiled back at him. He was constantly amazed at how this little fucker had somehow wormed his way in.

When Brian came back into the bedroom, he wanted to reciprocate Justin for the morning blow job. However, he found that Justin was up and getting dressed. 

“Busy day?” Brian hummed as Justin buttoned up his shirt. 

“I told Daphne I would meet her for breakfast today,” Justin replied as he planted a swift kiss on Brian’s lips and headed for the door.

Brian stood there, shocked, as he heard the front door slide open and then closed. In a flash, Justin was gone for the day. He suddenly regretted once again avoiding the conversation he knew they needed to have. Who knew when the next opportunity would be.


	3. Chapter 3

The start of the following week was uneventful. Brian went to work. Justin went to school. Brian was only woken up by Justin’s nightmares twice in four nights, and Justin didn’t leave the bedroom at all. There were no petty arguments or bad moods. Brian started to wonder if maybe his patience had won after all, and things were getting better. 

Until Thursday, when Brian walked in the door with takeout for dinner and Justin wasn’t there. 

It’s not like Justin had any obligation to tell Brian when he was going somewhere, but Brian had just called Justin 20 minutes ago asking what he should bring for dinner. That sort of implied that they were going to eat it together. Plus, Brian might not expect Justin to check in, but it wasn’t like Justin to blow him off like this. And given how things had been with Justin lately overall, this felt really off. 

Brian laughed a little at his own thoughts. He wasn’t going to turn into some jealous lesbian, keeping tabs on Justin. The boy could do whatever he wanted. Sure, things had been rough for Justin lately, but that wasn’t a reason to suddenly turn all overbearing. In fact, it was all the more reason Justin should be out having fun. 

Brian started to unpack the food alone, when he realized the shower was running. Justin was home after all. Smirking, Brian headed towards the bathroom. The food could wait.

He was surprised to find the bathroom door closed. He was even more surprised to find it locked. He frowned. They never bothered to close this door, much less lock it. The worry from a few moments ago crept back in, but Brian tried to tell himself not to be ridiculous. 

He knocked on the door. “Justin?” he called out.

No reply.

“Hey! Justin, what the hell?” he said, his voice louder and more obviously panicked, as he rattled the doorknob.

There was a pause, and then, “give me a sec.” 

Brian breathed out a silent laugh, in disbelief that he had such an overreaction. Justin sounded completely fine. Brian was the one who sounded like he was losing it.

Brian went back to the kitchen and pulled out a couple plates and some silverware, trying to shake off his moment of insanity. 

Except when Justin came out, nothing seemed fine. 

Justin was dressed casually, in sweats and a t-shirt. He came out of the bathroom dressed, which meant he had taken clothes in there with him. Brian found this just as odd as the locked bathroom door. Justin was not shy about walking through this apartment naked. Why would he bother to bring clothes into the bathroom instead of just getting dressed when he came out? Unless it was the same clothes he went in with. Brian noticed he hadn’t brought any other clothes out. But his hair was wet from the shower, and why would he shower just to put on dirty clothes? 

Justin had a smile on when he greeted Brian, but the smile looked forced, his eyes looked tired, and when he reached for a box of food, Brian noticed that Justin’s hands were shaking.

Brian watched Justin as they ate. Or at least, as Brian ate. He noticed that Justin would move things around or pick things up with his fork as they talked, but he didn’t actually take a single bite of food. Truthfully, Brian couldn’t blame him. Justin was somehow carrying on a perfectly normal conversation about school and the latest gossip, but Brian could feel the tension radiating off of Justin, and it was making Brian lose his appetite as well. 

Putting down his fork, he stood up. “You done?” he asked Justin, and Justin nodded. Brian cleared their plates and started to put away the leftovers.

“So what do you think?” Justin asked. 

“Hmm?” Brian hummed as he closed the fridge.

“About Emmett,” Justin said as though he was repeating himself, and Brian realized he hadn’t been paying attention to a word Justin said. He had been too preoccupied with how exhausted and antsy Justin looked and how hard he was trying to cover it up.

“I think,” Brian said softly as he walked behind where Justin was sitting and placed his arms on either side of him, leaning over him, “that I could care less about Emmett right now.” He leaned in and kissed Justin’s neck, hoping to provide his favorite kind of medicine to ease Justin’s nerves. The sex kind.

“Brian,” Justin warned, and his voice had enough of an edge to it that Brian paused. 

He looked down. Justin’s fists were closed and fidgeting. His body was tense. His breathing was very controlled. Brian pulled back and sat in the chair next to Justin to give him space.

“Okay, what is going on?” Brian asked.

“Nothing,” Justin replied quickly. “I just have an art project I have to get to.” He couldn’t meet Brian’s eyes, not that Brian would have believed him even if he could.

Brian didn’t say anything right away. At this point, he felt like Justin could have a gunshot wound to the chest and be bleeding out in front of him, and Justin would still be trying to pretend like everything was perfectly normal. Which meant there was no use trying to argue with him about it. There was only one thing he could do. Play as dumb as Justin was treating him to be.

Brian stood up and leaned over Justin again. “You can do your little art project, as soon as you get through me.” He grabbed Justin’s arms and held them behind Justin’s back. 

He tried to ignore the way Justin closed his eyes and flinched underneath him. Brian was pretending to be rough and seductive, but he wasn’t enjoying this anymore than Justin was. Justin didn’t pull away or say to stop, though, so Brian continued. He pressed his lips to Justin’s neck again, and he felt Justin squirm slightly. _Come on._

He spun Justin’s stool around and kissed Justin on the lips as he reached for the hem of Justin’s sweat pants. He looped his fingers in on either side and bent over. He was just about to pull the sweatpants down, when Justin shoved him backwards with both hands and both feet, hard. There it was.

Brian almost laughed in relief as he struggled to catch his footing. After all, all he had wanted was to break past that fucking wall Justin had put up. But when Brian looked up, the smile dropped from his face. Justin had his eyes squeezed shut, fists clenched, and he looked like he was struggling to breathe. Maybe that wall was there for a good reason, because this was a full-blown panic attack.

“Justin! Justin, hey,” Brian spoke softly but urgently, walking slowly back over to him. He put his hand on Justin’s hair and ran his fingers through it. Justin initially flinched at the touch, but then leaned into it, his body so tense that he was shaking.

“Hey, come here,” Brian whispered as he carefully stood Justin up.

Justin didn’t resist, and once he was up, he fell into Brian’s chest and gasped for breath into Brian’s shirt. Brian wrapped his arms around him, holding him steady.


	4. Chapter 4

Reminded of a similar reaction at Gus’ birthday party, Brian held Justin tightly and waited for it to pass. He felt Justin’s breathing slow and his body relax, but he still didn’t move or let him go. He planned to hold him until Justin was ready to pull away. Justin never did.

Instead, Justin placed a kiss on Brian’s neck. It was sweet and gentle and Brian smiled. 

Then, he kissed him again. And again. Then, Justin started to kiss down his neck with a little bit more power behind it, and Brian felt Justin’s hands start to move across his body. 

“Justin.” Brian’s voice was strained, trying to maintain self-control even as he felt himself getting turned on. He couldn’t believe he was about to turn down sex to talk about feelings, but this was a conversation that needed to happen.

Besides, Justin wasn’t acting like himself. He was acting like… well, he was acting like Brian. Avoiding the problem until it bubbled over and then trying to distract himself with sex. So if Justin was going to act like Brian, that meant Brian had to act like Justin. It was the only way to restore balance to the universe.

While Brian was lost in this thought process, he failed to notice that his pants had been opened and a hand was wandering down. 

“Justin!” Brian said with more force this time as he took a step back. 

Justin huffed in frustration. “This was what you desperately wanted five minutes ago!” 

Brian figured it wouldn’t be wise to tell Justin that wasn’t true, and that what he actually wanted was to cause Justin to breakdown, although he was not expecting it to be quite that intense.

“What I want is to know if you’re okay,” Brian said instead.

Justin stiffened. He looked like he was going to say something, but then he just shook his head slightly and walked away.

“Where are you going?” Brian sighed in frustration.

“To bed,” Justin muttered as he retreated into the bedroom.

Brian was left standing there, at a loss. It was early to go to bed, but Brian didn’t feel like pushing Justin any further tonight. It didn’t seem like it would end well. 

After a moment of pause, Brian rebuttoned his pants, grabbed his phone and a pack of cigarettes, and headed for the door. He took the stairs a couple flights down and then sat in the stairwell and dialed a number.

He lit a cigarette as the phone rang. 

“Hello?” Lindsay’s cheerful voice was a welcome sound.

“Hey, tell me something. How can I learn to speak lesbian?” Brian asked.

Lindsay laughed. “What?”

“I mean, how do you do it with Mel?” Brian asked as he took another puff of his cigarette.

“Brian, are you trying to ask me how to have sex with a woman?” Lindsay asked, a genuine tone of confusion in her voice.

Brian scrunched up his face. “God no. Why would you say such a thing?”

“Well you’re not making any sense!” Lindsay replied.

Brian sighed and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “When Mel is being even more dramatic and insufferable than usual, how do you figure out why?”

Brian could hear Lindsay click her tongue against her teeth. “Ah,” she said with a voice of realization. “What’s going on with you and Justin?”

Brian bristled in defensiveness, even though Lindsay couldn’t see it. “Nothing,” Brian snapped back, and then paused and his voice relented. “He’s just… not himself lately.”

“How so?” Lindsay inquired.

Brian wasn’t sure how to answer that. He didn’t want to air all of Justin’s private business by gossiping about his nightmares and panic attacks. Justin clearly didn’t even want Brian to know about these things. Brian was sure he wouldn’t appreciate everyone else finding out. And if Brian told someone, it was sure to get spread around. 

“He just isn’t,” Brian replied instead. “And he won’t talk to me about it.”

“Relationships are like that,” Lindsay said gently. “You just have to ride the waves with each other. He’ll come around.” 

Brian flinched at the R word. That was _not_ what this was. “Thanks, you’ve been real helpful,” he said sarcastically as he hung up the phone.

Brian put out his cigarette and rested his forehead against his hands. He was dreading the idea of going back into his loft. Things were too tense in there. But he also didn’t really feel like going out. So he just sat there. He wasn’t sure for how long. 

Finally, he took a deep breath and headed back up the stairs. He found Justin curled up in bed. Getting undressed, he slid under the covers on the other side.

Justin rolled over as Brian was getting settled. “Figured you went out,” Justin muttered. 

Brian shrugged. “Not far,” he replied. 

Justin eyed Brian nervously, not saying anything. Brian smiled and nudged his head, indicating that he wanted Justin to come closer. Gratefully, Justin accepted the silent offer and laid his head against Brian’s chest, his arm wrapping around Brian’s stomach.

They lay there like that for a few moments, eyes closed, and then Brian felt Justin lift his head. 

“Brian,” Justin said softly. 

Brian opened his eyes, and found Justin looking into them. Justin’s eyes looked lost and pleading, but before Brian could say anything, Justin was kissing him, deeply. Brian kissed back. He felt Justin’s hand come up to graze his collarbone, and then a moment later, trail down. Brian didn’t stop Justin this time. Justin’s movements were controlled, not frantic, but Brian could feel an underlying sense of desperate need coming from Justin. He was seeking more than sex. He was seeking comfort.

Letting out a soft moan, Brian rolled them both over so that he was on top of Justin. He tangled his hand in Justin’s hair and tugged his head back as he kissed Justin’s neck. Justin gripped at his skin and arched up towards him. 

“Please,” Justin breathed.

Brian smiled as he guided Justin onto his stomach and reached for a condom. He couldn’t fix Justin, but if this was what Justin needed right now, Brian could certainly do that much for him.


End file.
